Smearing peanut butter on your computer screen so your waifu, who is essentially a twelve-year old girl with double D beasts doesn’t starve to death before your first anniversary is terrifying to me. It’s not terrifying because you’re wasting good peanut butter, or making a mess on your monitor. This is your peanut paste. You can smear it over any electronic device you own. I’m also not offended by your attraction to big tits on young girls. Tits are great, size is a preference and your waifu is a cartoon so her age isn’t something I can take issue with. Nobody is getting hurt and I think we should all be free to pursue what brings us happiness as long as that happiness doesn’t infringe on anyone else’s rights. I’m also a big fan of the role that depravity plays in the human condition, as I think my own depravity might be the most interesting about me.
The aspect of this that makes me break out in a cold sweat is that you documented the act, uploaded the photo and defended your actions on a public forum. This worries me because the difference between buying your Japanese Sex Pillow a Sailor Moon outfit to peel off before jerking it in your mom’s basement and discussing this behavior on a public forum is gargantuan. It’s the difference between me watching cheerleader porn and attending a high school pep rally with a camera to gorilla shoot my own spank videos. One of these behaviors is shameful but ultimately harmless to me, my DVD player and even the porn star who probably doesn’t want my Dorito encrusted fingertips anywhere near her varsity whites. The other behavior pedophilia and should never be accepted, tolerated or encouraged.
The internet is a public space, however unlike the real world, nothing is sacred and I understand that. Much like the world at large, if I don’t like the politics or practices of a country or region I’m free to not visit or inhabit that tract of land. On the internet I’m free to avoid forums or websites that cater to and endorse behavior that I want nothing to do with or find objectionable. That being said, if there was a city in the world that proudly announced it was a safe haven for the Babylonian pseudo-society that exists in the dark corners of the internet, I would feel morally obligated to raze that city, salt the earth, and destroy any records of its existence with Balefire. The danger Balefire poses to the space time continuum is negligible compared to the casual acceptance of photo shopping Rainbow Dash into your prom photos as normative behavior.
If your dead set on installing a Fleshlight in your Pinky Pie plushy, starting a forum thread asking for advice on how best to proceed is akin to signing up to a macro-made workshop at your local community center to get tips on how to solve the problem of your bedazzled dildo leaving rhinestones in your colon. You may solve your problem but at what cost. If you want to know how long to microwave the diaper you stole out of your neighbors’ garbage before it’s safe to duct tape to your ass, I suggest you consult your psychiatrist for advice before you turn to the interweb for tips.
I started following Shaun Elliott on Twitter in October 2012 but I’ve been listening to his podcasts and reading his reviews for years now. I thoroughly enjoy his understanding and insight of both individual games and the industry as a whole. I’m an even bigger fan of the contrast this lends to his juvenile sense of humor and his refusal to take things too seriously. When he’s at his best it’s like listening to expertly delivered fart jokes while sipping martinis in a high-end piano lounge. He strokes my funny bone unlike most comics are able to by using brutal honesty and satire to shine a light on the characters that inhabit the strange land known as Internet. He’s truly the Louis C K of the gaming industry. Having said all that, since I’ve been following him on Twitter I’ve seen things. Things that can’t be unseen. While those things are riveting examples of human eccentricity, the complete lack of shame some of these train wrecks of human beings display is far more disturbing than the proclivities themselves.
Six months ago I was blissfully ignorant of Bronys, Waifus and Pamperchu. Boy, do I ever miss the good old days. I miss them so much that when this rant is concluded I’m going to take a cue from Homer Simpson and insert a Q-Tip into my ear canal and keep pushing until the world makes sense again.
So, to those out there who have lost sight of where to draw the line, think of the internet as a bus stop and don’t do anything on the web you wouldn’t do with a group of strangers watching. Which reminds me, there’s a bus to Rite-Aid coming in 6 minutes and I’m out of Q-Tips.
A Rant by Anotsu Stark